Cooky Cat

Who Couldn’t Stand a Blast in the Kitchen 

Disclosure: Article underwritten by EMCO Products.

No doubt you’ve heard of sous-vide, the method of maintaining the integrity of the ingredients through the (very) slow cooking of foods sealed in airtight plastic bags in a water bath at controlled low temperatures.

If that sort of thing even appeals to you just as a good idea, then you have to hear about the next new trend. But, of couse, and as you might expect, along with the new theory and technique, there’s a new kitchen appliance that you will need to get the wonderful, unique scrumtialicious results.

But first a bit of background. From an early age the founder and director of EMCO Products, known simply as Emma, was a kitchen innovator. Here, just one of scores of examples. When she made mud pies, they were not your usual mud pies. No, but mud pies of distinction. Who knew mud could be formed into so many intricate shapes or be used with such textural finesse. Remember the Mud Bubble? That was hers.

Photograph courtesy of EMCO Products.

And, who has not heard of the Bucket of Mud, that surprising kiddy “cake” molded in a common galvanized bucket. It is served unmolded and at first looks like just what the name would suggest, a bucket of mud. 

But this Bucket of Mud is studded with firecrackers for candles. When lit, the combined effect is to blast open the hard mud bucket shell and create an explosion of mud going in all directions. You could say that this dish literally flies off the plate. EMCO was founded on this first success and their Bucket of Mud Kit^®™© is a best seller, available only at better kitchen supply shops internationally. In each kit you will find all you need: a bucket, 144 firecrackers, several plastic bibs, and a generous supply of wet naps. Mud is extra. 329 varieties available for every taste and for every pocketbook. Illegal in most states. They have a work around; just ask.

Not content to rest on her laurels, Emma—who by the way makes Martha Stewart look like a slacker, and makes Emeril’s “BAM!” sound more like a bing—is now introducing a product that no one should be without. And Cooky Cat has the scoop. (That is in no way a kitty litter related pun.) But, like a you-heard-it-here-first kind of thing.

Introducing the fusion of the culinary consciousness of creative genius and the unending struggle to bring good food to every home: “mud-vide”, and the accompanying indispensible Vulcomagic Kitchen Appliance^®™©.

Where sous-vide is slow and low and controlled, mud-vide is fast and high and out of control. Not like anything in any kitchen before. We’re talking REALLY FAST! And REALLY HIGH! Kitchen Kaos! ^®™©. In fact it breaks new records for QUICK in the kitchen.

The suspense must be almost too much to bear so we will now let you in on the secret of mud-vide. Well it’s pretty simple really. It boils down to this: if you want it fast you got to raise the heat. Everyboy knows that. But if you want it REALLY FAST! then you gotta have some HEAT!

On one trip to the Big Island Emma was looking out the window of her private jet and wondered what it would be like to cook a steak from the afterburner of a jet engine. Quite a lot of money went down the tubes researching that approach. (And, by the way, Emma says you can’t have kitchen mitts long enough when you broil a steak on a jet engine.) But the genius of Emma prevailed. Why pin everything on a jet engine. They’re too big and bulky for most kitchens. The hint to the solution, the other shoe if you will—which in retrospect is only too obvious—is mud. But not just your everyday mud. Unless, of course you live in Hawaii. Then, your mud would be... drum roll please: molten lava. Yes, cooking with molten lava. It’s not so hard to understand when you learn that the EMCO mission statement and business plan is entirely built around ideas for products based on mud and explosively high levels of heat.

Before you shut down on reading further, this is FOR REAL! GOSH DANG IT! Just know that Oprah is on board and rumor has it she will soon be gifting her audience with the new Vulcomagic Kitchen Appliance^®™©. In a variety of coordinated colors, stainless steel at a slightly higher price.

You can stop thinking now. Oprah! OK? Keep reading...

When you get your Vulcomagic Kitchen Appliance^®™© the simple 198 page instruction booklet has an easy to follow assembly guide. Any person with basic tool skills can put one together in less than an average work week. If you don’t have some of the tools, just flag down your friendly Snap-on tool truck. The Vulcomagic Kitchen Appliance^®™© is not any bigger than a bread box, but the insulation material will take up a bit of space. When you discover what a “blast” the Vulcomagic Kitchen Appliance^®™© is to use and the many appliances that it replaces (not just due to the sun-level heat) space won’t be a problem. And speaking of space, NASA has contracted EMCO Products to design a unit for the Mars Blast (that’s the code name for the manned Mars expedition secretly launching to coincide with the extinction of the world as we know it at the end of the Mayan calendar, coming to your neighborhood soon. A blast, and a blast; get it?)

Along with the assembly guide there are recipes and all kinds of different techniques; your basic searings, scorchings, meltings (raclette, to die for!), dryings. For steamings, nothing comes close. Just don’t you come too close, either. Browning or Caramelized? Believe it. 

The Vulcomagic Kitchen Appliance^®™© is so easy to use. But is it safe, do you ask? Here is founder and director Emma herself whipping up a little something on the Vulcomagic Kitchen Appliance^®™©.

Photograph courtesy of EMCO Products.  

Get yours… NOW!  (Phone lines are open to take your orders for the one and only Vulcomagic Kitchen Appliance^®™© from EMCO Products. ONE PER HOUSEHOLD! NO EXCEPTIONS!) 220V service needed. May increase insurance rates. Non-refundable.