The day will soon be here when all's you gotta do is think it and it'll be there. It's called the Singularity and some heavy thinkers are saying we're just 10 years away from computers becoming smart as people. We can hardly wait. No reason to venture out into the mean streets any more. No more type keyboards or computer or TV screens. We’ll have it all inside our heads. It'll be the final solution to the gas supply/pollution/price trifecta.
Food of course will still be a problem in that brave new future world. Not so much in the eating and enjoying part, but in the (ahem) back of the house messy (nether) stuff at the end of the digestive cycle. We just won’t ever accept the so called Oriental Solution: the nutritional pill that they use instead of “old fashioned” food in China. The leading brand there is No Fussy-No Mussy.
But the future is now…
Introducing . . . iTOAST©
You know how currently there is this craze to put images on everything. It started with the mainstreaming of the tattoo. In our youth the only people we knew with tattoos were members of the notorious Highwaymen Motorcycle Club on the east side of Detroit. Triumphs, leather jackets, babes, and tats. One-percenters, forever! (Stay on for the song at the bottom of the page. Some redemption for the Highwaymen.)
Now you get hearts in your latte foam. Who can forget the Nixon aurbergine (eggplant, stupid)?
Occasionally there would be a Jesus or a Mary in the toast, and people would throng for candlelit vigils.
Well now the throngs are coming right here to Cooky Cat. iTOAST© is here for the delectation and degustation of all.
Imagine at the touch of a button having your morning toast not only crisped to your exact preference, but also with any of thousands of images. All at a touch of a button. (The future is 10 years away so you will still have to lift a finger in the meantime.)
Did we say thousands of images? Make that millions… zillions… megagigagagillions! If it Googles, it iTOAST©.
Through a patent pending technology in an unprecedented collaboration with Cooky Cat, Apple Industries, NASA, and Martha Stewart we bring you iTOAST©.
Simplicity itself. Just call up the image of your choice on a 4G LTE device of your choosing and, at the touch of the iTOASTAPP©, your special slice is being etched to perfection. You like The Jesus or The Mary? Simply call them up on your iPhone, or whatever, anytime you want. And the image will be the one that you select, not some vague happenstance. Black Jesus?, no prob. Jesus Christ Superstar?… surrounded by stage lights! Which apparition of the BVM do you venerate? Guadalupe is our personal favorite. Put it on toast from the actual chapel photos. Shroud of Turin? How do you want it? On a single slice, or spread out over a mosaic array of several toast slices. Our Lady of Częstochowa on toast?; how ironic.
OK. OK. All you God fearing Christians, don’t get up in a fuss. Buddha on toast is great, too. The Star of David is perfect, especially during the Jewish holidays. Every unit, in fact, includes special instructions to make a dreidel out of half of a loaf of seeded rye. Why seeded? That's what we like.
It doesn’t end there. If you’re feeling secular, there’s always the go-to fave, the smiley face. Naughty? Well, let us say that the things you can put on that toast will bring "eating your toast" to a new level of meaning, and excitement. For the kids… can we ever do enough to amuse the little darlings? No! In the brave new world that we are creating, the one who dies with the most experiences, WINS!
As we say at the Cooky Cat Culinary College, “The World is your Oster.” In short… go nuts. (By the way, that’s a name—Go-Nuts—that was proposed for a doughnut with added nutritional value. We also suggested—this was during the time of the Presidency of Mr. Carter—a product called Jimmies, a peanut butter filled Twinkie. And, the still tantalizing possibility, Twinkles, jelly filled Twinkies. We have no pride of authorship on those, take them, anyone. We are on to greater things.)
So you ask, how do we get one of those dern things? Simply find the Cooky Cat distributor near you and go on down to get your very own unit. Or, send a check made out to C.A.S.H. (as in, Cooky At Sales Headquarters... but DON'T spell it all out). You're not ready to give up your old unit? We can retrofit your current toaster to iTOAST©, for a fee. But it won’t have the same 30 day warranty you will get with the brand new unit.
Don’t wait, supplies are not limited. There is a waiting list though because the manufacturing process is a bit lengthy owing to the use of child labor in a country where it is not only legal but encouraged. Oh, for the good old days! I know you’re with us (though secretly) on that.
Before you know it you will be enjoying a nutritious and entertaining bite of toast any morning of the week. But, hey, toast isn’t just for breakfast any more. Charlie the Tuna toast points on your tuna/mushroom sauce on toast for lunch. Stalin on toast for your caviar soirée. Jesus on the cross with jelly for blood at your after church social. Recreate Richard Pryor and his crack pipe mishap on Wonder Bread. Just the tip of the iceberg, to be sure. As we said, go nuts.
Be assured the infrastructure to support your iTOASTAPP© is fully in place and operational.
Get yours now!
(And there is already in R&D an upgrade to take iTOAST© to the next level. Etched images in full living color. Photographic quality. 24 megapixels. And, way out in speculative development with Dreamworks is a secret project we can only hint at... Imagine a holographic display in 3D on your morning toast based on a download of your favorite YouTube video or feature length motion picture. With surround sound! No special eyewear. [Baron Ambrosia with his Bronx Flavor is being courted to conjure his culinary contrivances as a special, exclusive, very pricey app.] The technology, truth be told, is in hand. Just that the hardware required for on-site application is itself as big as a house. Something about handling the bandwidth. Our team of crack scientists [crack, as in sharp or very smart; not, like in crack whore] assures us that they are only days away from full miniaturization to the size of a postage stamp. But, not to worry about your unit becoming obsolete, we will take trade-ins. We do, however, encourage you not to trade in when you upgrade; instead, please keep your old unit. Antiques Roadshow on PBS we have it on good authority will endure well into the 21st Century. If you don't get our drift... think "collectible." And, besides, the blue book at current trade in prices is fractions of pennies on the dollar. So better to hold off and cash in after the Singularity. If you last that long. Too much butter on your toast... it's a killer.)